In my head (and in emails to friends) I class some moments in my family life as “WTF moments”. They are like those events (that seem to happen on a bi-weekly basis around here, at least) that you just step outside of the situation for a moment and think “Wtf, this can’t be happening, this is just so ridiculous”.
For example, a while back I had some escapades involving feral gerbils and chewed up speakers: WTF.
Then there was the time more recently when my daughter got worms (for the 3rd time, for the love of God) and I was hunting in her bum for one of them that wasn’t letting her sleep with a torch and a cotton bud at 12:30 at night: WTF. (I did find it though, and she did sleep well after that and some medicine)
There are the spectacular breakages (1x1m mirror shattered in slivers all over the bedroom, anyone?) or the midnight madness (smashed mayonnaise jar on the kitchen floor at 3am when all you wanted was a glass of water?) or the home falling apart (broken boiler for 3 weeks with 3 young children? Smoking light switches? Leaking pipes?).
This week I had a definite wtf moment, caused entirely by me. Going out for my work dinner on Tuesday, I got way too drunk (drank a load of red wine on an empty stomach, no water and ending with a shot of who-knows-what, and I rarely drink) and after a rowdy singing session accompanied by loud thumping of the tables in time to the “music” (picture the dwarves in The Hobbit) decided that the long banquet table we had just been eating off looked just like a catwalk, climbed up, sashayed down from one end to the other, jumped off and fucked my right heel up. Big time.
Silver linings: after visiting A&E for an x-ray it is not broken or torn and will heal within the wee; my bosses didn’t actually see (though they know why I’m off sick, as I can’t walk); I didn’t insult/hurt/be rude/deface anything or anyone, I was just very merry. And a bit wild.
The day after I had to deal with a big time shame/vulnerability hangover (luckily I had been reading Brene Brown and identified the feelings immediately as such) and since then have been thinking that I probably need to get out more.
You see, life has gotten sooooo serious. I feel like I work all day long, and come back to screaming/crying/arguing and housework. That no moment is for fun or play. I know this is probably a mindset, and that the trick is to feel each moment and approach life with a bit more joy and as sense of fun, but that is where I am at. Everything just seems so SERIOUS.
I also realised that that crazy girl, you know, the one I talk about here, definitely hasn’t gone away and perhaps needs to be let in a bit, not shut out. Logically I know I can be a good employee, mother, friend and partner and slightly wild, but emotionally I have separated these things and I guess I have squashed and suppressed the wild side, thinking that’s what I need to do to be “good”. But in the end it’s making me feel bad. And crazy.
Anyway, food for thought, which I have had the luxury of on the past 3 days. To tell the truth it has been nice at moments to be alone, here in the flat, no kids, no way of being busy, just sitting, pondering or listening to the radio. Apart from the painful foot, and needing crutches, that is.
‘Til next time!