Tiredness and working, working, working. Scanty, bad quality sleep. Revolving housework. The relentless corporate world. NEVER HAVING ENOUGH TIME. Time to talk to my partner, time to play with my kids, hang out with friends, time to do my hair or pluck my eyebrows, time to rest. It’s worn me down over the last 6 months.
And I have neglected my spiritual practices, basic as they are. Neglected to live in the moment and look up at the sky. Neglected to bring myself back to the now when things feel like they are spiralling out of control. When the to-do list feels neverending and yesterday feels like one long “why did I/didn’t I say/do that?”. When each moment is just another moment to get things done…or not manage to get things done.
Even supposedly enjoyable events have felt like something to “do” and then “tick off” when they are done. What’s the point?
I talk the talk. I have read the books and I have seen them work miracles in my life. But it’s called spiritual practice for a reason…you need to practice! Every day, every moment, because the mind/ego is strong and will just creep on in there if you don’t.
Lately, feeling down, I have felt like everyone is against me, that no one understands me or cares about my needs. That I am alone, isolated, overworked, underappreciated. That other people just don’t care, don’t love me. I’ve seen enemies in everyone from my kids to my colleagues.
Yesterday I found an alone moment and listened to a brilliant metta meditation (loving kindness) by Tara Brach. It was so reassuring and beautiful to re-connect with the idea that there is no separateness between us, that separateness in itself is a concept created by fear, stress, anger. An illusion.
I reflected in loving kindness on various people, including myself, and brought myself back to the middle again, and to the realisation that there is no enemy except that of our own making.