So, yes, it’s been a long time since I last posted. Life is hectic: 2 jobs, 3 kids and no family help just means constant (CONSTANT) activity.
Working for money at work takes up around 75 hours per week between us, then there’s picking up/dropping off various kids, food related activities (shopping for, prepping, serving, clearing), house stuff: the endless clearing, let alone actual cleaning (the daily laundry loads, folding clothes, toys everywhere, shoes everywhere, everything a constant mess), and lastly personal care which I will not give up although last night I did wipe my face with a babywipe and skip flossing. My legs are sooo hairy: damn summer and the need to bare skin, hair removal is just one more thing to do.
Anyway. This post wasn’t going to be about that. That is something most families experience to one degree or another. We are all busy. Many of us work outside the home and if not are damn busy inside it (I have done both and looking after young kids at home ain’t no walk in the park). Homes need care, children and adults need care, these thing take time and energy.
The question really is about that energy, where does it come from, how do we sustain it?
There are times when I feel I can take on the world. I am woman, I am strong, and all that. I feel zippy and capable, and fabulous. I make it look a breeze, they all wonder how does she do that? I revel in my children, laugh and play. I feel proud of myself: I’m coping! way to go!
Other times I just feel drained. I wake up tired after a crap nights’ sleep, I’m pissed off when my kids wake up and demand me, the day in front of me stretches out into eternity, I work and while I’m there I use up any of the niceness energy I have because I have to put on a good face, when I get home I have no niceness left and the kids piss me off immediately by fighting, I feel hard done by and drag the dinner on, heave the clothes into the machine, tidy up and bark at anyone who isn’t, I lie in the dark getting my kids to sleep, biting my nails and thinking of all the other things I could be doing. I’m totally not in the moment. Each day and each task becomes something ticked off an eternal to-do list. Another day done, another day closer to…to what exactly?
Lately I’ve been feeling number 2. I’m just constantly in a funk. I’m aware of it, which is good and painful. I’m aware that I’m not being my best self with my kids or my partner. I know that each day “ticked off” is also a day of their childhood, which is so fleeting and precious. I know that they are building a horrible image of mummy being moody and irritable.
I know all this yet the feeling persists. The not right feeling. There is every and no reason to feel like this. To say it’s down to choice is too simplistic, as if we can turn off and on joy at will. I think joy is more like a cultivation or practice but right now I’m not even sure where to start with that. In other times I’ve turned to books and spiritual practice, and I must say I’ve totally let that go again. Being present and grateful really help but I feel awash with a mixture of tiredness and urgency which make it hard.
There’s no solution, no conclusion, no answer. It’s just put one foot in front of the other, as my mum always says, and possibly put the old oxygen mask on, and hope that joy comes back sometimes soon.