I’m having a “where the heck do I start” day. These are the days when I wake up, not having as much sleep as I would have liked perhaps, and walk into the kitchen, which is not cleaned up as much as I would have liked perhaps. I note the nappy bin is full, I put a wash on. I prepare breakfast, we forgot to put the bread on last night. I walk around picking things up as the children wake, bit nothing gets as clean, as “good”, as I would have liked.
I’m discombobulated, as my mum would say.
Time passes, runs though my fingers, and I feel as if we a all late and need to rush, but my partner tells me it is not so. I am dislocated from my energy flow, out of my groove, not aligned with any higher power.
I don’t know where to start first. I reply to an old friend, emailing her some kind words for a difficult phase she is going through, I get my kids ready for school, I want to write my blog, I want to tidy my flat, I want to sit and talk with my partner. I do all these things without flow, and they all seem wrong, a waste of time.
Most of all I want to enjoy and appreciate this morning because it is a “last” in my head. It is the last day of school, and since I will be going to full time work before the new school year, it is the last morning I have with my baby alone as a mummy and baby pair.
I feel emotional about this, caught out that it has been so swift, this surprise third child. The other children’s babyhoods were long, halcyon days in parks with other mums, baby groups, errands to the shops with the pram, midday naps. It has not been like this this time around, and now I must, need to, find a job and support the family financially.
There is no neat ending to this post, no wrap up statement. Sometimes we have to feel that sadness and it is open ended. The end of one phase brings the beginning of another, perhaps equally beautiful phase, but there is no compensation, no compensation.
I think I will just start with being with him.