TFI Friday?!

Working in an office, I would love a penny for every time I hear “It’s Friday!”, “At least it’s hump-day” (erm, that’s office speak for Wednesday, not ya birthday, just sayin’),  or “Ugh, Monday” in descending pitches of excitement.
Although I have learned the right things to say, usually just echo or nod, I don’t really agree.
Here’s a secret: I don’t get that “Friday feeling” and haven’t done ever since, let’s see… I had kids.

Pretty much how I feel about Fridays: "not bovvered"
Pretty much how I feel about Fridays: “not bovvered”

When I was a stay at home mum, I really enjoyed what I did, and tbh sometimes dad around at the weekend would throw a spanner in my works and it wouldn’t flow as much. The weekend was just another state with different rules, no better no worse.
Since starting work full-time again just over a year ago I work hard all week and it is challenging to fit it all in: school runs, pick ups, appointments, playdates, after school stuff, shopping and sorting house in the evening. But, I still don’t feel the weekend is a rest or a break or tbh that much different from the week. I still have what I would consider more than a full time job: taking care of a house and minding 3 children.

Also, although my renumareted job isn’t at all high flying or hugely exciting right now, I’m content. I have my desk, my stuff, I know what to do, I have nice colleagues, I drink my little coffees and have my little chats and I just get on with it. I would like to think that if I was literally ticking off the days backwards from Monday, I would know it was time to move on.

I’m not sure if my non-plussed attitude to Friday is a depressing fact, basically that my weekends are devoid of the fun or rest&relaxation that others look forward to, or that I’m actually more or less content with my life so don’t have to live solely for the weekend.

What I do know is that just as I don’t have TFI Friday syndrome, I also don’t have the dread of Monday. Which ain’t no bad thing, especially on a Sunday.

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TFI Friday?!

A little slice of heaven

The good times are here.

G and I are both in full time employment for the first time in 5 years. We are about to receive 2 full pay checks, which means paying bills on time this month, means no need for family to top up our income, means long overdue visits to the dentist, means buying some glasses and knick knacks for the house, a few spring clothes for the bairns, and going out for a celebratory lunch. Life is good.

Boychild has been away for the last 3 weeks in Cancun, and now in London doing all sorts of fun stuff like a parkour course for kids. We are incredibly lucky to have parents young enough, wealthy enough and willing enough to take him (and eventually girlchild and babyking) for amazing holidays. He is back in 3 days, and we have missed him.

Spring is here in all its glorious frivolity. The eggshell blue of the sky is brought into full contrast behind the sprays of tender green that have shot out in a matter of weeks, giving the city its leafy outdoor roof back. This living cover is one of the things I love about Barcelona.

I have spent the last week being a SAHM again, it’s Easter hols, and loved it. We have been to the beach, the zoo, the park, seen friends (mine and girlchild’s), baked (twice!), painted Easter themed stuff, watched The Neverending Story cuddled up together on the couch (and, oh, how I felt the solemn right of passage as we did so!), talked, laughed, connected.

And last but not least I have invented a new habit for myself. As G works most evenings now, and I don’t have boychild here, after I put the babyking and girlchild to bed and then tidied up, I set myself up in bed with tea, book, iPad, phone, food, nail kit or whatever else I think i might need and I CHILL, baby. OK, so some nights it doesn’t work out (i.e I fall asleep with them, or have a load of housework to do, or someone calls me and it just gets too late), but when it does, it looks something like this photo I whatsapped to my girls the other night….

In my books, it doesn’t get much better than this…

Image

 

 

 

A little slice of heaven

Enemies, all around…

Tiredness and working, working, working. Scanty, bad quality sleep. Revolving housework. The relentless corporate world. NEVER HAVING ENOUGH TIME. Time to talk to my partner, time to play with my kids, hang out with friends, time to do my hair or pluck my eyebrows, time to rest. It’s worn me down over the last 6 months.

And I have neglected my spiritual practices, basic as they are. Neglected to live in the moment and look up at the sky. Neglected to bring myself back to the now when things feel like they are spiralling out of control. When the to-do list feels neverending and yesterday feels like one long “why did I/didn’t I say/do that?”. When each moment is just another moment to get things done…or not manage to get things done.

Even supposedly enjoyable events have felt like something to “do” and then “tick off” when they are done. What’s the point?

I talk the talk. I have read the books and I have seen them work miracles in my life. But it’s called spiritual practice for a reason…you need to practice! Every day, every moment, because the mind/ego is strong and will just creep on in there if you don’t.

Lately, feeling down, I have felt like everyone is against me, that no one understands me or cares about my needs. That I am alone, isolated, overworked, underappreciated. That other people just don’t care, don’t love me. I’ve seen enemies in everyone from my kids to my colleagues.

Yesterday I found an alone moment and listened to a brilliant metta meditation (loving kindness) by Tara Brach. It was so reassuring and beautiful to re-connect with the idea that there is no separateness between us, that separateness in itself is a concept created by fear, stress, anger. An illusion.

I reflected in loving kindness on various people, including myself, and brought myself back to the middle again, and to the realisation that there is no enemy except that of our own making.

 

 

Enemies, all around…

Interim

I’m having a “where the heck do I start” day. These are the days when I wake up, not having as much sleep as I would have liked perhaps, and walk into the kitchen, which is not cleaned up as much as I would have liked perhaps. I note the nappy bin is full, I put a wash on. I prepare breakfast, we forgot to put the bread on last night. I walk around picking things up as the children wake, bit nothing gets as clean, as “good”, as I would have liked.

I’m discombobulated, as my mum would say.

Time passes, runs though my fingers, and I feel as if we a all late and need to rush, but my partner tells me it is not so. I am dislocated from my energy flow, out of my groove, not aligned with any higher power.

I don’t know where to start first. I reply to an old friend, emailing her some kind words for a difficult phase she is going through, I get my kids ready for school, I want to write my blog, I want to tidy my flat, I want to sit and talk with my partner. I do all these things without flow, and they all seem wrong, a waste of time.

Most of all I want to enjoy and appreciate this morning because it is a “last” in my head. It is the last day of school, and since I will be going to full time work before the new school year, it is the last morning I have with my baby alone as a mummy and baby pair.

I feel emotional about this, caught out that it has been so swift, this surprise third child. The other children’s babyhoods were long, halcyon days in parks with other mums, baby groups, errands to the shops with the pram, midday naps. It has not been like this this time around, and now I must, need to, find a job and support the family financially.

There is no neat ending to this post, no wrap up statement. Sometimes we have to feel that sadness and it is open ended. The end of one phase brings the beginning of another, perhaps equally beautiful phase, but there is no compensation, no compensation.

I think I will just start with being with him.

Interim